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Morning Coffee: Deutsche Bank will be hiring for these doomed jobs. The most talented people in the market work here

Worst jobs in banking

If your job can be automated, it will be

Want to work for Deutsche Bank? Be warned: there’s not much in the way of hiring going on at the German bank. CEO John Cryan told J.P. Morgan’s analysts that parts of Deutsche are subject to a “hiring frost” according to the Financial Times. 

Some jobs at Deutsche will be plentiful though. It’s just unfortunate that they’re not the sort of jobs that spell a long and fulfilling career in finance. – Cryan said Deutsche will be recruiting for ‘several manual processes which are yet to be automated’ but which need to be done ‘from a regulatory perspective.’ Sounds nearly as thrilling as the thousands of ‘regulatory data jobs’ that have become part of the landscape at Goldman Sachs.

Separately, if you were wondering where all the most gifted traders of your generation went, wonder no more: they’re at Blackstone. Instead of allocating money to hedge funds, Blackstone started bringing would-be hedge fund traders in-house in 2014. Blackstone president, Tony James, tells Bloomberg, that out of the thousands of people who applied, they hired around two dozen traders with some “really remarkable talent.” James says these lucky few have been gifted capital from Blackstone and left to work for themselves – subject to a few house rules. – Sounds more appealing than launching your own hedge fund?

Meanwhile:

James Gorman says markets are rebounding and that things have been better relative to early February. (Bloomberg) 

SocGen made America-based Peter McGahan global head of equities and derivatives sales. He’s relocating to London. (Financial News)

Jefferies and BAML are trying to hire equity researchers who left Nomura. (Financial News)

A Financial Times report into potential Isdafix manipulation in 2010 was greeted with “GAME OVER” and “oh jesus do I want to read this?” by Citi traders. (Financial Times) 

Fined $425m, Citigroup says it’s made “substantial investments” to guard against inappropriate behaviour. (Reuters)

More M&A bankers have left Credit Suisse in San Francisco. (Yahoo) 

Goldman Sachs, which has been particularly prolific on Twitter, employs a handful of full-time producers with network television experience. (CNBC)

Ex-head of Asia banking at Barclays says he wasn’t paid the deferred compensation he was owed when he left the bank.  (Bloomberg) 

It helps to have a basketball coach vouch for your character if you’re involved in a LIBOR case.  (Bloomberg) 

Point72’s screening criteria are extremely stringent, with the average student boasting a GPA of 3.8 and an SAT score of 2280. The firm accepted only 5% of applicants this year.  (Yahoo) 

All psychiatric symptoms were positively associated with being a workaholic (Plos) 

Why you should always have faces on the photographs on your website. (RollonFriday)

How it is when you’re an artist exhibiting at Deutsche Bank: “All the workers who work hours and hours, if they for one minute look up from their desk and see the work and see there’s other things happening beyond their day to day process…”  (YouTube) 

Photo credit: Paperchase wind-up robot! by Charles Rodstrom is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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