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When I worked in banking my true love sent to me…

(NB. The following may not be in strict chronological order, but this is an attempt to quantify the major banking events of this year. To be sung after Christmas lunch, before postprandial napping.)

On my first day in banking, 

My true love sent to me:

The closure of RBS equities.

On my second day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On my third day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boyees.

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On my fourth day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boyees.

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On my fifth day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boyees.

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On my sixth day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

A P45 in the post for Bobby D,

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boyees.

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On my seventh day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

A $1.9 billion Department of Justice money laundering fine for HSBC,

A P45 in the post for Bobby D,

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boy-ees.

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On my eighth day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

A whale-sized  $6bn plus loss at JP Morgan caused by trades that were way-ay too risky,

A $1.9 billion Department of Justice money laundering fine for HSBC,

A P45 in the post for Bobby D,

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boy-ees,

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On my ninth day in banking,

My true love sent to me:

A 7 year prison sentence for the UBS rogue Kweku Adoboli,

A whale-sized  $6bn plus loss at JP Morgan caused by trades that were way-ay too risky,

A $1.9 billion Department of Justice money laundering fine for HSBC,

A P45 in the post for Bobby D,

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boy-ees,

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On the tenth day of Christmas

My true love sent to me:

$300m of money laundering fines for Standard Chartered which was better than at HSBC,

A 7 year prison sentence for the UBS rogue Kweku Adoboli,

A whale-sized  $6bn plus loss at JP Morgan caused by trades that were way-ay too risky,

A $1.9 billion Department of Justice money laundering fine for HSBC,

A P45 in the post for Bobby D,

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boy-ees,

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On the eleventh day of Christmas

My true love sent to me:

A $9bn goodwill writedown on Autonomy with a lawsuit for Deloitte and KPMG,

$300m of money laundering fines for Standard Chartered which was better than at HSBC,

A 7 year prison sentence for the UBS rogue Kweku Adoboli,

A whale-sized  $6bn plus loss at JP Morgan caused by trades that were way-ay too risky,

A $1.9 billion Department of Justice money laundering fine for HSBC,

A P45 in the post for Bobby D,

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boy-ees,

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

On the twelfth day of Christmas

My true love sent to me:

The fiscal cliff causing more and more market volatility,

A $9bn goodwill writedown on Autonomy with a lawsuit for Deloitte and KPMG,

$300m of money laundering fines for Standard Chartered which was better than at HSBC,

A 7 year prison sentence for the UBS rogue Kweku Adoboli,

A whale-sized  $6bn plus loss at JP Morgan caused by trades that were way-ay too risky,

A $1.9 billion Department of Justice money laundering fine for HSBC,

A P45 in the post for Bobby D,

A £290m FSA fine for Barclays’ LIBOR fixing by its naughty boys in treasury,

£100 million of Natwest technical glitches caused by failing systems in IT,

The elimination of 10,000 UBS boy-ees,

A resignation letter at Goldman from a disgruntled employee,

And the closure of RBS equities.

Robin Holly is a banker who currently works in audit within a tier 1 bank and has spent a number of years working in various other investment banking roles and Big 4 consultancy. He will be singing this in a red knitted jumper tomorrow. 

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