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The do’s and don’ts of being a Wall Street trader

Trading job

This summer, Wall Street trader-turned-standup-comedian Raj Mahal has given us a window into what it’s like to be a rookie trader, plus tips on spotting  the difference between a European and American banker. Now, how to fit in on Wall Street. Below is (an admittedly tongue-and-cheek) look and some of do’s and don’ts on being a Wall Street trader.

Check his website below to find where you can see Raj perform in New York.

As a trader, what one thing should you own? What one thing should you never own?

A trader should always own a custom-made suit, douchey driving loafers preferably made by Ferragamo or Prada, and – if you can get it, the Amex Black Card.

There are many, many things a trader should never own.  Here are the top 5 in no particular order.

1.  Skinny red jeans

2.  A custom-made shirt with cliche Wall Street sayings on his sleeve like , “Money Never Sleeps”, “Sell your client until he buys or dies” or “I don’t like cocaine.  I just like the way it smells.”

3.  A belt with whales on it.

4.  A scooter, segway or a Vespa.

5.  A signed copy of “The Notebook” starring Ryan Gosling.

What is something you should never ever let anyone see you do?

There are two things.  One is obvious.  Never let them see you cry.  You can be down $50 million, don’t do it.  Your girlfriend leaves you, don’t do it.  Your World Cup team blows it, don’t do it.  You can say you want to cry.  That actually shows how tough you are.  If you want to cry, run down the street to a hotel and cry in the stall.  Don’t ever do it on the desk.

Also, never let them see you using a Shake Weight while you are wearing 80s style basketball shorts and a mesh belly shirt.  No matter how good a trader you are you will never live that one down.

 

Raj Malhotra (Raj Mahal is his stage name) is a former Wall Street trader-turned-stand-up-comedian. He has worked at Wall Street firms covering three continents, including at Bank of America, BNP Paribas and Nomura. He draws from his unique ethnic background and Wall Street career to entertain audiences nightly, highlighting the struggles of the 1 percent. He can be seen at Gotham Comedy Club, Broadway Comedy Club, NY Comedy Club, Greenwich Village Comedy Club, and the Tribeca Comedy Lounge. Follow him on Follow him on Twitter @RajMahalTweets or his website therajmajal.com.

 

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