January 29

To: Lloyd Blankfein

Re: Winning the Public Relations War

Six months ago, with what I mistakenly took to be your tacit approval, I attempted to address ordinary Americans, almost as equals. They envied and resented our firm; I sought merely to correct their misunderstandings about Goldman Sachs…

In hindsight, I misjudged their ability to see the reality of their situation, and of ours. At the time I accepted your strong suggestion that I never again try to speak directly to mortals – or, as you referred to them, “The Morts.”

Now our predicament is suddenly more dire…Hence this memo… I have recently conducted a thorough study of the culture of ordinary Americans. Please take the following ideas in the spirit in which they are intended: a team spirit. There is no “I” in Goldman Sachs, or in me. Nor will there ever be.

Idea No. 1: Give the Morts a small, perhaps even illusory, stake in our upside.
Obviously we can never employ large numbers of ordinary Americans… [but] each year, for example, Goldman Sachs might announce a grand national competition, much like “American Idol.” Finalists will appear before a national television audience tobe judged by a panel of three rather ordinary looking Goldman executives. On stage they will perform various Wall Streettricks: negotiating with Tim Geithner, lobbying the SenateBanking Committee, designing securities that blow up…etc. The winner receives a job at Goldman Sachs. Which brings me to…

Big Idea No. 2: Give Morts the illusion that they have been admitted into our realm, and can now truly see who we are and what we do.

The winner of our national competition, for instance, might easily be attached to a small Web-enabled, head-top photographic device. Thus equipped he would become the eyes and ears of Morts everywhere.

Big Thought No. 3: Remind the Morts of their more natural resentments.
At the moment they mistrust us, perhaps even despise us, but their feelings toward us are new and thus shallow. They have had 30 years of training in hating their own government (the ultimate example of Mort irrationality). We must remind Morts that we share a common enemy: them.

NB: This is a spoof, written by Michael Lewis of Liar’s Poker fame. It originated on Bloomberg, but was spotted by Alphaville, who produced this summary.