In light of recent news that ex-head of RBS investment banking Johnny Cameron has quit executive search firm Odgers Berndtson after only a week in his chosen new career, here’s why (as a banker myself), I don’t really blame him.

Reason 1: Culture shock

Sitting in your management eyrie, all plush furnishings and fluffy secretaries, your interactions with the headhunting fraternity will be along the lines of nailing them on fees, refusing their calls, doling out mandates on a whim and discussing the real meaning of total comp as it relates to the invoice in front of you. You will be used to fawning acquiescence and professional sucking-up.

Now put yourself on the other end of the phone and get ready to make good with the grovelling.

Like it? Thought not.

Reason 2: Health and wellbeing

As an employer of headhunting services you expect a certain level of entertainment befitting your stature as ‘their key client’. For you, this translates into a couple of nice lunches, drinks and dinner every quarter. For headhunters this means endless lunches, post lunch drinks, pre-dinner drinks, dinners, post dinner entertainments, every…single….day.
At best you merely put on several stone and start to sweat gravy. At worst…well we’ve all met at least one of them.

NB: bankers used to be several steps ahead of the general population when making the transition to full time glutton. Unfortunately, times have been hard recently and stamina levels aren’t what they used to be.

Reason 3: Getting stuck in the feedback loop

So, you ignore the warnings above and start work on your first mandate. You comb your address book, pump your friends and discover that some people like you a lot more when you’re waving a status or salary bump (or both) at them. You arrange the interviews and then you take a deep breath and jump onto the feedback loop. First you call the candidate for their feedback (typical response: ‘I thought it went well’), then you call the prospective employer to get their feedback (typical response: ‘Who?’) and you feedback to them on the candidate’s feedback, then you call the candidate to give them the feedback from the employer. And…repeat…

Another caveat here is that the people who love you when you offer them the opportunity go off you really quickly when they don’t get the job.

Reason 4: Envy

So let’s say you survive, defeat the feedback loop and land your first completion. You start broking the T&Cs, work through the contract, and discuss the package. You arrange for your candidate to have a plush office and a fluffy secretary. Maybe he or she also wants fresh fruit, a clothing allowance, a lavish expense account and a team to support them. The contract will be seasoned with your tears as your under-exercised, overfed heart shrivels and you turn a delightful shade of green

Reason 5: …the government

And, if all of that isn’t enough, when the government really doesn’t want you to help them out with their executive searches, it’s definitely time to reconsider your position.