UK
In the City a zero bonus means one thing and one thing only: you are no more, you have ceased to be, you are an ex-banker.
A doughnut is your firm’s less than subtle way of telling you that you are surplus to requirements and that they hope you will have the good grace to simply crawl under a rock and die.
They assume that, like all other bankers, you only do your soul-destroying job to earn vast bonuses and that the withholding of said bonuses will remove any possible rationale for putting up with the mindless drudgery your job invariably entails.
A zero bonus is a form of constructive dismissal. It’s also a favoured option for banks because it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than actually sacking you.
The problem is that some mindless dingbats just don’t get the message. These losers hang around the office like lepers despite having been a given the banking equivalent of a ‘Dear John’ letter. They shuffle around like the walking dead, seemingly unaware of the snide comments whispered behind their backs and the deathly silence that descends on noisy bars as soon as they enter.
The stench of death follows them around and no-one wants to be associated with them for fear that they’ll catch their hideous disease and that they too will get a doughnut next year.
No, I’m afraid the only option you have when your bank has told you to go away is to do just that.
If they’ve got away with giving you nothing one year and you stick around, they know they can away with it again next year. Try and find a firm that hasn’t heard about your ritual humiliation, take your brave pills and enter the interview room like a pit bull on crystal meth. Pretend you want to move jobs because your old firm ‘stifles creativity’ or some such rubbish and hope to God they haven’t heard the truth.
Appearance is everything in the City … so if you appear like a winner you might just start winning.
Geraint Anderson is author of ‘Cityboy – Beer and Loathing in the Square Mile’
alternatively sell out massively and write short pieces for various website and free newspapers
No bonus may also indicate a rubbish employer taking advantage of employees in these difficult times.
Take this man’s advice.
i got a donught for this year’s bonus.
i interviewed with other places, got offers, and turned them down.
then i got chucked.
Geraint, your employer would withold not only your bonus but a large chunk of your salary as well to get rid of you. Assuming, of course, that you manage to get hired by anybody…..
.8th paragraph, first sentence is missing the word ‘get’:
If they’ve got away with giving you nothing one year and you stick around, they know they can “get” away with it again next year.
@GG
Possibly the first witty comment ever written on Efin
@Recruiter – I was quite proud of it myself… thanks!
what does this joker do for a living nowadays?
@Moron – see above…
Geraint, the city has changed since you were an Inv. Banker… Now a zero Bonus means that your basic salary is 500k and you wont resign for that would you ?
what a tool
It’s a little known fact that the best bonus in the City is redundancy… a huge payout, no National Insurance, first 30k tax-free.
@GG. Nice one GG, two thumb’s up.
For once I totally agree with everything in the article whether you like Geraint or not. This is a pretty fair representation of the reality from the rationale (cheaper than redudancy package) to the fact that everyone around the zeros know they are DMWs (dead men walking) to the recommendation as to best way to move on (yes, the “stifles creativity” is such a cliche – most people know what it means). Only thing, I don’t think the “then they will get a away with it next year” part is true. Most often DMW zeros who are still around will get fired at next bonus cycle if they have not moved on. I do wonder, however, how the regulatory driven significant inflation of base salaries vs. bonus will change the maths for employers and consequently these dynamics. Would guess simple sackings would become more prevalent.
@GG it is ironic that you think being a journalist is “selling out” vs working for an IBD
@James – sign of the times my son! Everyone has their impression of a profession. As many people think of Bankers as scum I actually consider journalists, and the scaremongery and senationalism of the crap that said journalists write, to be amongst the lowest form of single celled life on this planet. I am interested to know if anyone would disagree… out of the frying pan Geraint eh?
What a worthless waste of bits.
@GG You are correct about journalists, they are the type who will write and do anything to get attention. If something has to be blown out of proportion it will be, if an event is pointless it will be exaggerated and if something is slightly harmful or dangerous it will be the worst thing since the Boston strangler. What makes it worse is that they constantly take the position that their work is driven by some higher moral fiber and they have a duty to produce their excrement for the good of the people.
Perhaps it is time we update the old saying, “those who can’t do, teach” to those who can’t do, blog.
Oh the irony. Every time this chap comes on here with a regurgitated paragraph of his book which was itself a regurgitated mass of his background noise free “newspaper” column peddling a fictionalised account of his day job of many years hence, invariably at least one person feels the need to point out that the subject matter is stale and the city has moved on since his day. Dude, I implore you, find something else to write about. There must be all sorts of interesting characters in the bookies, the dole office, the local, or wherever you spend your days. Hit that. Be the next James Joyce, George Orwell, or Carla Lane. Whatever. But please, stop it with the pale imitation of Liars Poker. Bring us your pale imitation of The Blind Side. Grow. Change. Evolve. Live. Piteous zombies who won’t take a hint? Geraint that the truth.
Geraint – weren’t you at Kleinwort in ’91 and ’95 ?? Everyone in Equities got donuts, period. . .. . . . . . . .you included . . . .. . . . . . .
Anyway, as DerivTrader has rightly said, Bonus is not as important now, its all about total compensation.